Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
