Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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