im drinking this country out of the recession.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
