Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
