It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
