this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
