No stitches, just platelets and will power
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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