I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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