You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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