The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
this hospital has no fireball
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
