I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
