I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
