He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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