If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
