Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And then he peed in my hair
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