I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
