:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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