Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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