I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
