I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
