It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
