The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My feet surprised me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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