I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
