look no pants
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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