Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
