So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
