the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
