Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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