sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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