I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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