Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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