the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
