my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
