I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
