If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
