the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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