woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
