In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
