i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
