If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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