i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
