we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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