So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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