I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
