She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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