She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
