I faked an abortion last night.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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