my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
