I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
