So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
