There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
