I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
