I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
