Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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