I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
