he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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