my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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