I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
