when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
