Will you blow on my dice?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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