i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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