i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My penis needs a shock collar
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
