Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize