By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
