Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
