gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
